Back when I was in high school I had a falling out with my best friend. And when I say best friend, I mean the – stay up all night eating Chips Ahoy, watching scary movies, telling each other everything, writing each other notes – kind of best friends. A friend who would scare me with her Ouija board and tarot cards. Someone who made me feel like something magical could always happen when we were together. Even though it was back in high school, I ended our friendship and I’ve always felt terrible about it. So when we reconnected years later and were back on friendly terms I felt a rush of relief.
I felt so good to be on okay terms that I got a little overexcited and I felt the need to do something.
So I did what any kid who grew up on the 90’s would do. I made her a mixed CD. I went onto Limewire and acquired dozens of viruses on my laptop that day, but I was making the best freaking mixed CD of all time – so whatever. I put a bunch of songs that I thought she might like and also put in some that would remind her of the good times in our childhood. Things like the Spice Girls and the song Bittersweet Symphony to remember watching the movie Cruel Intentions a million times when we were probably way too young for it….and then proceeding to print out the script, read it, study it and make a slideshow about it (#RyanandReeseforever).
I was never very techy but I had recently learned how to burn a CD so I was trying out my sweet, sweet new skills. I had two older brothers and we had stacks and stacks of random CDs lying around for me to pick from. Some had my brother’s early 2000 hip hop tunes or things like Star Wars movies and other stuff floating around on them, but handfuls of them were often blank. So I spent one day going through them until I found a blank one and burned my friend’s CD on it. I gave it to her, and it felt good. I was feeling like I had tangibly created something special and unique to show her in good faith how sorry I was about how everything went down and how happy I was that we could be friends again.
Weeks passed and I went on living my boring life. Then one day I happened to go onto my computer and open the disc drive, and there was her CD!
I was … confused to say the least.
If it was there, what had I given her?
Maybe one of my brother’s loser movies or rap CDs?
Immediately I texted her, “Hey I just found the mix CD I thought I gave you, so I don’t know what I gave you???” (I’m sure there were multiple question marks- so you KNOW I wasn’t messing around).
There was a long pause and finally she responded, “Yeah. I tried it in my car and it didn’t work, so tried it on my computer …and it was porn.”
Did you get that? Yes. That is correct. It was an entire CD gifted to her of PORN!
I had thought I was extending an olive branch of friendship and trying to get on the right foot when really I had given my old friend some of my brother’s weird porn! I mean, I never saw it, so who knows if it was super weird, but it was porn nonetheless! My plan had gone in exactly the opposite direction I had hoped.
Ultimately, she laughed it off and I did eventually give her the real mixed CD, but I don’t think there is any going back on that one and I think it’s safe to say that is the worst apology I have ever given someone, the worst mixed CD, and the worst gift in general.
I don’t know if she will ever read this. Part of me hopes she does, part of me hopes she doesn’t, but I’m still sorry about that one.
lisa prose 