Have I ever told you about that time…I got a dog?

WARNING: This story contains incredibly cute photos that not all readers may be able to handle. Read at your own risk.

I’m a dog person. I love cats, but I’ve never lived with one and I just love snuggling a dog. I once read an article describing dog people vs cat people. Some descriptors of dog people that I took great offense to include that dog people:

• tend to live in rural areas,
• are stupider,
• more conservative,
• more closed minded, and
• less creative and philosophical than cat people.

I was SHOCKED AND DISMAYED! Maybe I need a cat to get smarter? Is this why I can’t get passed my current level on online boggle?

Despite knowing that having a dog makes me a regular old hill billy I still wanted a dog to go running with and basically give me all their unconditional love, ya know?

For the last 2 years I’ve been talking on and off about getting a dog and then Covid hit and it put me into overdrive to get a dog (just like the whole world apparently). If I have learned one thing, it is that I am not unique, I am just like the rest of the Covid lemmings. For example, some things I (and many others, according to the internet) have done during Covid:

• Baked banana bread
• Bought a bike
• Rode around on said bike
• Spent too much money and time on skin care
• Knitted
• Went to “virtual pub crawls”
• Over-invested in my patio garden
• Started running (ew)
• Baked other random crap
• Ordered uber eats pretending, “I’m just trying to support local”
• Meditated from home
• Got distracted by my phone while trying to meditate
• Did yoga at home
• Got distracted by how dirty my floor was doing yoga (every time, because somehow cleaning my floor didn’t make my Covid list)
• Sewing (but just scrunchies and clothing – not masks because obviously I’m a bad person and just wear the ones my mom made me. She’s a better sewer anyway I swear!!! #wearamask!)

SO after getting sick of home workouts and pretending I like talking to people over video chat (which I absolutely do not), I got pretty serious about getting a dog. I am following every rescue agency in southwestern Ontario, I have alerts on my facebook, and I have e-mails coming in every time a new rescue dog gets posted. When I saw a dog that I thought I could care for came up I’d apply! And by apply I mean reveal more about myself than I ever have to anyone I’ve ever dated due to the lengthy application. Despite that, I kept getting rejected over and over! In typical dog people fashion I’d see responses like:

Fuzzyhead is no longer available for adoption. We had hundreds of applications in the first 45 minutes and will no longer accept applications. Wags, (Insert rescue agency name)

Maybe if I had signed off my e-mails with “Wags, Lisa-the dog whisperer” I may have had more luck? The reality is I really wanted a rescue dog for a few good reasons: mainly that my family had rescued my parent’s dog from a puppy mill and I didn’t want to support other puppy mills, and I feel like getting dogs from a breeder is really just dog eugenics (aka messed up). Just give me a rescue dog that’s a little scared, worried no one will love them, and are just looking for a good home, because SAME!

The other (more selfish) reason I wanted a rescue is because I’ve lived with puppies before and although there is nothing cuter (for approximately 30 minute intervals), I wanted an older dog because I didn’t really want to potty train, wake up on the middle of the night, sacrifice my shoes/clothes/furniture to teething, and all the other high demand things that go along with puppies (is it a wonder I don’t have a human baby either?)

It seemed like the perfect idea, until no one wanted me. Seriously. Talk about a blow to the ego. I realized rescue agencies are just a reflection of capitalist and normative societies! I mean we all understand that these agencies just really want what is best for these dogs (as they should), and all the power to them to create their own rescue criteria, but I just want to reflect on how that feels (while understanding perfectly well their rationale). Because DAMN it feels like getting a lecture from your grandma who got married at 18 so she could have babies, a house with a yard, and a flashy car. That is what you need to be an adequate human being!

These rescue agencies started to make me think my life wasn’t good enough for a human to live, since it apparently wasn’t good enough for a dog. It felt like they were saying, “This dog survived on the street eating garbage for the past 3 years, but I don’t think your overpriced condo and 8 hours a day you can dedicate to them will keep them alive.” I seriously started to question if my life situation was adequate until I remembered this is how I CHOOSE to live.

I was ruled out over and over for living alone (who will help you poor SINGLE woman?!), living in a condo (how will you not just open your back door and desert your dog for hours – you mean you’re actually going to take them for runs and off-leash parks? Yeahhhhh right?!), you don’t make enough money or drive a big enough car (well you just suck and obviously won’t give your dog the care they need!).

Don’t get me wrong, I did carefully consider those things, but luckily there are several people who live with big dogs in my building who make it work well (we live beside the river and these dogs go for longer walks and runs than any other dogs I know). I think getting knocked up and having a baby would have been easier than getting a rescue dog. One night stands don’t typically confirm that you have adequate yard space or extra room in your car.

So after too much rejection and a growing need for a dog I threw away my morals and got a dog from a farm. Even getting a farm dog during Covid was challenging. I paid a purebred price for a mutt and had to drop everything and go as soon as the person responded to me. I even lost one dog I wanted because someone swooped in and took the dog before I could pay the deposit because I was DRIVING (which ended with me screaming, “WHY CAN’T I GET ANYTHING I WANT,” which was more a reflection of everything else in my life getting snatched away and not really the dog, but it certainly didn’t help). Don’t even get me started on getting into puppy classes during Covid. It’s like trying to get concert tickets the day they go on sale. REFRESH! REFRESH!

So now I have a dog and she is a goddamn celebrity. Old people love her, young people love her, ugly people, beautiful people. Everyone loves her. It took me a while to get that. I had a few encounters where I was like, “WOAH that man is being pretty bold to be starring and smiling at me so obviously and intently while pushing his baby stroller next to his WIFE! What. A. Sleaze. Bag….Oh she’s also starring at me? Oh right, the puppy.”

My dog is so famous that I have become a person who has a sub-folder in my e-mail with her name because SEVERAL random strangers have asked me to photograph her and have sent me her pictures. They have also requested to post it on their Instagram so I’m really kind of hoping she makes it big as an influencer and I can quit my job. The email folder really has been helpful to keep her glamour shots in order as well as responses from the vet about her poo samples. I now am someone who gets emails about dog poo. Really, dog ownership is life altering.

One of my favourite interactions with her was when a whole family wanted to hold her. As my dog’s ugly and uninteresting sidekick, I often make small talk to remind people I’m alive while they’re trying to pretend I don’t exist so they can steal my dog. So I asked the little girl in the family if she had a dog. She did, named Beatrice, but as soon as she held my dog in her arms she exclaimed, “I LOVE HER MORE THAN BEATRICE!!”

Poor Beatrice. Her owner meets a cute puppy for 10 seconds and is ready to ditch her. Life really is easy for the young and beautiful.

All in all, she may not be a rescue dog, so maybe this is where I should say something corny like, “but she rescued me.” However, she is still destroying my clothes and impacting my sleep so I won’t go that far. Despite that, I do love her and as the upcoming pictures (some from strangers) will attest, she is pretty damn cute.

• Please contact me if you want to give me lots of money to take pictures of my dog. Serious inquiries only (I think that’s what you are supposed to say to sound legit?)