Have I ever told you about that time…I was recruited for a pyramid scheme?

I had moved to Edmonton from a small city in southwestern Ontario and being thousands of miles away from my home often left me feeling homesick. In the first couple months I thought I was seeing my friends from back home everywhere. Someone tallish with brown hair? Was it Michael? Long dark hair on literally any girl – was it Danielle? But this day I was not mistaken when I walked in for Thai food and saw a casual acquaintance from my high school. After living in Edmonton for a couple months, I finally found a Thai food place to meet my high culinary needs in a strip mall in the southeast. I’d find myself stopping in for Thai food on my way home from work when I couldn’t be bothered to cook, or I just had a particularly strong urge for some coconut rice. Maybe some people run into people they know from high school all the time, but I was a 5 hour plane ride away in a totally different city, province, and time zone; so running into someone who knew me in my most awkward high school years buying Thai food was not a normal occurrence.

After exchanging small talk: “How long have you lived here, what do you do here,” we were confronted with the awkward part of the conversation where you don’t want to be rude and end the conversation, but realistically your coconut rice was getting cold, and no form of reunion was worth that. So we exchanged numbers saying we should catch up more some other time. Honestly, I assumed I’d never see him again and at most we both may feel slightly more inclined to like each other’s photos on Facebook if we had ever stumbled upon them.

Although I had been feeling really homesick, so the prospect of hanging out with someone who knew me from back home had a kind of sweet appeal, so when he invited me out to coffee with his wife (who was also from our hometown) I jumped on the opportunity. We met for coffee and talked non-stop. I’ve always been a fast talker, but I was surprised at how interested they seemed to be in our conversation. They kept exchanging knowing glances as they laughed along at my jokes that probably weren’t as funny as I thought. Near the end of the conversation they opened up to me that they were expecting a baby and that they hadn’t told any of their friends and family back home. I instantly felt both flattered they told me and unworthy of the secret. I guess I had made a good impression and seemed trust worthy? When we parted ways we made promises to hang out again soon. I felt confident I had just secured some new people to hang out with in Edmonton and like any rational person would do – I called my high school friend back home and told her all the details.

The next week at work I saw that I had a missed call from him. Now this was 2014, not the stone ages, so there was no reason a person in their sane mind would CALL me rather than text me. Naturally I assumed it was a pocket dial. Anything else would just be absurd. So I texted him to confirm and he responded, “No I want to call you. My wife and I had something we wanted to talk to you about. When can I call you?”

I told him to call me when I finished work and I immediately started stressing out that my friend back home had told someone about the pregnancy and that it had somehow gotten back to them. I quickly texted my friend in a panic.

“You hadn’t told anyone about their baby right??”

My friend responded, “No Lisa. I didn’t say anything. No one cares about some random dude from our high school having a baby, not to mention they are a dime a dozen.” Which was, I have to admit, a very valid point.

So if it wasn’t to call me out for gossiping about them, what else could it be that deserved a PHONE CALL?! With in-depth consultation with my friend I determined it could only be one thing. Absolutely. No questions about it.

He and his wife were going to ask me to be part of a threesome.

He could have texted me about literally anything else! This was the only explanation of something he didn’t want in a text trail.

Now to be honest, being part of a threesome was not something I’d ever given much thought to. I mean one partner required enough concentration that the thought of adding in an another person just seemed complicated to me. Also, if I learned one thing from watching every episode of Gossip Girl (three times) it’s that the third should be a stranger.

I suppose I basically was a stranger to them, besides happening to co-exist at the same high school in a matching uniform for four years of our lives? I guessed I was the right mix of basically being a stranger, but attending catholic school long enough to be scared shitless of getting an STI from health education classes that they could correctly assume my sexual health was excellent.

So now that I knew I was going to be asked to be part of a threesome, what was I going to respond? I mean immediately I thought no, but was this an opportunity to try something new? I was recently trying to live under the philosophy of saying yes to all opportunities that present themselves. Yes, but with conditions? What conditions would I make? Yes, but with money……hmmm wait ok that seems illegal? And then I couldn’t donate blood when they ask, “Have you ever taken money or drugs for sex”! Okay for sure no. This was a terrible idea.

I hadn’t conclusively decided how I was going to deliver the message when 5pm rolled around and I had to answer the phone in my parked car in front of my office. I could feel myself starting to sweat.

 “Hi Lisa?” he said nervously. I swear I detected a slight quiver in his voice, and I mean who could blame him? How exactly does one confront someone to engage in a sexual encounter with them and their newly pregnant wife?

There was a painfully awkward pause. I don’t deal well with phone silence so it is possible it was only a second, but as far as I was concerned it was an eternity. I considered cutting him off and taking control of the situation for his sake. Something to the effect of, “Look, I’m going to cut to the chase. I know what you are going to ask me. Honestly, I’m flattered you want to have a threesome with me but…”

Instead I played it cool and thought I’d see how he’d approach it.

He began, “so my wife and I wanted to share a really good opportunity with you.”

“Go on…”

“And we think it could really be beneficial for your life.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And it could become a lasting partnership.”

“I’m listening.”

“…We want to tell you about this amazing multi-level financial opportunity.”

It was a mother-fucking PYRAMID SCHEME!

I felt tricked, I felt pissed, I also felt weirdly rejected from a threesome invitation that never actually existed!

I have talked to other friends who have also been asked to hang out only to later be cornered into a pyramid scheme and it’s all the same. They are trained to meet you in person, or talk on the phone to add pressure since it’s too easy to decline someone over a text message. They also tell you something to make you feel close to them and feel like you’re friends, or that you owe them something. Something such as being the “first person” they told that they were expecting a baby. The person before their friends or FAMILY. Like yes, you Lisa, stranger from my high school, know about the most important thing to ever happen to me before my own mother.

I felt completely fooled by them. They had seemed sincerely interested in being my friend so I was annoyed, but honestly also sad. I thought I might have a new couple of friends and maybe a familiar face in the flat, lonely prairies, but turns out they had no interest in me, just in the financial gain I could provide them.

I politely declined this “AMAZING financial opportunity,” saying I was quite content working a job where I didn’t need to exploit people.

And I swear it took all my strength not to shout out before I hung up: “AND I WAS GOING TO SAY NO IF YOU ASKED ME TO HAVE A THREESOME ANYWAY!”